I'm laying in your front yard are you home
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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