I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I am midnight drunk by noon
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
