you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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