You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
