When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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