John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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