Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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