watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
There's always time for handjobs
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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