I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
