Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
