i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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