Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
