Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
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