Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Randomize
