4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
