Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
