I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
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