He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
