Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
