im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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