I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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