cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize
