Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Randomize
