He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
