I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Randomize