I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
