The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
