so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
