Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
