I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
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