you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
