And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Randomize
