If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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