What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
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