Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
