if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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