come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
