I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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