just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
