Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
