SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
