my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
