My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Randomize
