8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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