i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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