I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
