You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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