walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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