Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
