Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
