I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
