I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
I booty called her while she was in labor.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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