I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
