then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
