I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
