so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
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