Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
