Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
