i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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