If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
