I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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