sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
