I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
